Nothing shifts your perspective on life like the death of a loved one. We are reminded of what is truly important as the distractions fade away. If we allow ourselves to fully experience grief, we emerge transformed often with a greater understanding of life and Love. Some of the best lessons in life can be gained by sitting with our loved ones as they are dying, Here you experience the threshold, the in-between. It is not an easy place to be and yet it is filled with beauty, that is the kind of beauty that absolutely breaks your Heart open.
I am incredibly fortunate to have sat on the threshold with three of my grandparents (as well as some friends). Sitting with my grandparents I learned to let go of perfectionism and worries. I saw that our bodies are incredible, intelligent Beings who were always changing and that we should celebrate the gift of them rather than focus on supposed “imperfections”. I also discovered that our beliefs, especially beliefs about the afterlife, greatly impact our dying process. It is important to work through these while we can rather than die in fear of what is to come. After all we will die, that is a given.
My last grandparent, Mimi, recently died. We had been expecting this for years and yet her death was still a bit of a shock and I am once again finding myself in the lands of grief. Fortunately, I was able to spend time with her during her last days. Mimi taught me a lot about Love throughout my life, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that her death would be another lesson, perhaps the most potent.
I received the call that Mimi was at the end stage of life and made plans to visit her. That day a big news story broke; I was excited to talk with her about it because I knew she would be happy. However, as soon as I arrived, I realized that it no longer mattered. To my surprise, my grandmother could not talk. The outside world suddenly disappeared as we moved into the threshold between the worlds.
My grandmother spent her life creating a more loving and just world. She was a fierce advocator for anyone in need and taught me to do the same. In my book, Communicating with Plants, I talk about my grandfathers introducing me to the magical world of Plants. But it was Mimi who opened me to the powers of the Heart and prayer and taught me the healing power of listening.
When I stepped into the threshold with her, I realized that it no longer mattered who was President or how the courts ruled or what someone said to me. (The car we drive, the clothes we wear also didn’t matter, but these never mattered to Mimi.) As I sat with her, I wondered about the amount of time and energy we waste worrying if we are good enough, comparing ourselves to others, or trying to overcome or overcompensate for our insecurities. We can get pulled off center by any number of things, believing them to be incredibly important, when in actuality they are meaningless.
I am not suggesting that Mimi’s efforts were a waste or that we should stop working to create a better world. What I am saying is that in the end, the only thing that matters is the Love that we create.
I think the question then becomes, “What is Love?” When I think about Love, I focus on M. Scott Peck’s definition from The Road Less Traveled: “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” (p.81)
This is a great definition but what does that look like, feel like? For me, I can feel when I’m engaging with Love. Love feels expansive, warm, enlivening. Though sometimes when I need to shift out of an old pattern or a trauma response, I can feel really uncomfortable before I choose Love. I may have sensations that are telling me to stay quiet or retreat. I have chosen Love enough times now to recognize these sensations and know that when I sense them, I need to push through and act with Love.
So again, what is Love? Well, Love is a choice, Love is a way of being, an intention. We talk a lot about romantic Love, but we can experience Love with anyone: strangers, people that we never meet, and other species. We can choose Love in every action we take, including simply walking. Speaking up against injustice is one expression of Love. Providing shelter for a weary Heart is another. Healing our traumas is another. Honoring and engaging with our more-than-human relations is another. Most definitely, creating a better world for future generations is an enormous act of Love.
Love is also setting boundaries and helping one another to stand in our Integrity and become conscious of our biases, limitations, and harmful acts. Mugwort taught me last year that excusing and ignoring abusive behavior is not Love. Love names the abuse and says, “I know you are hurting and you can do better, you are better.” Love means taking responsibility for the harms that we’ve caused or contributed to. Love can also be rest and taking care of our needs. Grief is Love.
In our amnesiac world focused on consumerism, we are told to shower our loved ones with gifts. Love doesn’t require the latest gadget or a cute knickknack. Love is created when we spend time together, share our stories, allow ourselves to be seen, and celebrate the gifts we each bring into the world.
Since we are all connected, we too benefit from these acts of Love. They nourish our Hearts and often uplift our lives. When it is our turn to move into the threshold, our acts of Love come back to wrap us in comfort and support us on our next journey. We often never know all the ways in which we impact others’ lives. But when you bring as much Love into this world as my Mimi did, you can leave this world in peace knowing that your legacy of Love continues on.
While there is much in this world that tries to grab our attention (including our time, money, and energy) and distract us, I encourage each of us to remember that Love is what really matters and to choose Love as much as we can. There is so much that creates separation and othering, Love knows that this is illusion. We are interconnected and interdependent. We can only truly thrive together (that includes with our more-than-human relatives). Love has the power to heal and to remove the illusions that keep us from experiencing the magic of life on Earth.
So I encourage all of us to be like Mimi and love. Choose Love. Create Love. And know that you are Love(d).